WHAT ARE YOU? ARE YOU COFFEE?
DON’T TALK TO ME IF YOU’RE NOT COFFEE.
NO, I MEAN IT. GO BECOME COFFEE OR FUCK OFF.
DISGUSTING.
This is something that happened to a friend of mine in her own words.
“So, on Friday night my friend and I were at her house and wanted to get out and do something for the evening. We brainstormed ideas and she brought up the idea of seeing a show at the Laugh Factory. I’d never been, I thought…
WHEN’S THE LAST TIME WE WERE INTIMATE? WELL, YOU’D HAVE TO DEFINE ‘INTIMATE’ FOR ME, DOC. I’M NOT SURE I REMEMBER WHAT THAT MEANS.
HE KNOWS WHAT IT MEANS, DOCTOR. HE’S TRYING TO BE FUNNY. HE THINKS HE’S VERY CLEVER.
IT’S ACTUALLY A DEFENSE MECHANISM, DOC. I HAD TO DEVELOP IT TO SURVIVE IN THE TUNDRA, WHICH IS WHAT I CALL OUR BEDROOM DUE TO THEIR SIMILAR ENVIRONMENTAL CONDITIONS.
DO YOU SEE WHAT I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH, DOCTOR? WHO CAN BE INTIMATE IN THE FACE OF SUCH BEHAVIOR?
YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE INTIMATE WITH MY FACE, SHERRY. I CAN THINK OF SEVERAL OTHER BODY PARTS YOU COULD START WITH. I’M SURE THE DOCTOR HAS A CHART SOMEWHERE YOU COULD LOOK AT, IF YOU’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT THEY ARE. RIGHT, DOC?
DOCTOR, PLEASE TELL HIM, CLINICALLY, THAT HE IS NOT FUNNY.
SPEAKING OF NOT FUNNY, DOC, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SEX LIFE THESE PAST FEW YEARS?
IT’S LIKE BEING MARRIED TO A CHILD.
SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE … I DON’T KNOW … LIKE I’VE BEEN LOCKED UP TIGHT, FOR A CENTURY OF LONELY NIGHTS, WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO RELEASE ME.
IT’S ALMOST LIKE MY BODY’S SAYING “LET’S GO” BUT MY HEART’S SAYING “NO.”
HONEY, THERE ARE NO RULES IN THIS LIFE, OKAY? NOTHING IS CARVED IN STONE. I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU DO AS LONG AS YOU TRY TO BE SAFE AND YOU’RE DOING IT FOR YOURSELF, NOT TO MAKE SOMEONE ELSE HAPPY. YOU ONLY GET ONE LIFE AND I WANT YOU TO LIVE IT TO THE FULLEST.
THANKS, MOM. I REALLY DO APPRECIATE THAT. I’VE SEEN OTHER PEOPLE’S PARENTS AND THEY’RE REALLY OVERPROTECTIVE AND HORRIBLE.
YOU’RE WELCOME. AND I KNOW I JUST SAID THERE ARE NO RULES BUT I LIED. THERE’S ONE: IF HE PLAYS GUITAR YOU DON’T LET HIM NEAR YOUR VAGINA. TRUST ME ON THIS ONE. IT WILL ONLY END IN TEARS.
Hahahaha! My ex was a musician. ;-D
IT’S COOL. IT WAS ONLY MY 30TH BIRTHDAY. WHY WOULD ANYONE SHOW UP?
I’M JUST GOING TO PUT ON ADELE AND PRETEND TO CHASE ALL THE ANTS ON THIS DUVET MY GRANDMA SENT ME.
MAYBE LATER I’LL DRINK THE CABERNET I BOUGHT MYSELF AND TRY TO FIX THE ALARM ON MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK THAT’S BEEN RINGING NONSTOP FOR THREE YEARS.
OH, BRIAN, STOP IT. I LOOK TERRIBLE. I WAS AT WORK ALL DAY AND MY HAIR IS A MESS. I DO NOT “LOOK LIKE A PRINCESS” AND YOU MAY NOT “TAP” THIS UNTIL I’VE HAD A SHOWER AND AN ICE CREAM SANDWICH.
TA DA.
OH MY GOD, YOU DID NOT RUN A BATH AND PUT AN ICE CREAM SANDWICH IN THE SOAP HOLDER. WHY ARE YOU SO PERFECT? I AM GOING TO BLUSH TO DEATH AND THEN DIE FROM HOW PERFECT YOU ARE.
